Alaska and Life

Last month, I was unceremoniously deposited into the ranks of the unemployed early retirees, my lovely wife insisted that I indulge her whims and accompany her shopping ~ even to them Lady Things stores. That’s just wrong, but I did my best to go along and not be too bored. Y’know what? That Freddies store isn’t to god awful to visit, but the others fill me with the terrors.

Well, as a guy . . . I don’t do the shopping thing. When circumstances force me through the doors of anything other than a store selling beer, gold pans, guns or fishing supplies it’s a given that I ain’t happy. I tend to get in and out like a devil was chasing my ample ass. That wife of mine isn’t just a shopper, she’s a doggone browser; she clips coupons, store ads and explores every isle under the roof before she makes her selections. It’s enough to drive me to distraction and stone cold boredom, even at the Freddies store with their hot food deli and way cool sporting goods department.

Because of that boredom, I do try to amuse myself while the missus shops, and some clown from the Freddies store got his long john’s bunched and sent the missus the following letter.

Dear Mrs. uh . . . Schmidt,

We greatly appreciate your steadfast customer loyalty and your valued services as a Freddies employee; your skills and ability as a display manager are well known and appreciated throughout our Alaska chain of stores.

While we hold you in very high esteem, your husbands behavior over the winter months has been such that we must ban him from the Juneau store, whether you or the police accompany him while he’s in the store or not, for at least 6 months or until he finishes therapy.

Mrs. Schmidt, we’ve listed a few of his major offenses that we have clearly documented with out surveillance cameras and the statements made under oath by our traumatized security staff. Your husband is a menace.

December 17th ~ Dressed as Santa Clause he put condoms in the shopping carts of pregnant shoppers along with birth control literature and discount coupons for diapers; 5 lawsuits threatened, 1 pending.

January 20th ~ Organized a hockey game in the parking lot after turning on an outside water source which froze over into a very slick section of thick ice in the back parking lot; losses included 7 hockey sticks, 2 brooms, 1 puck, and a 89 Chevy pickup; most lawsuits were settled out of court by paying the assorted emergency room fees for stitching up several of the participants, the truck was scrapped for parts.

January 27th ~ While wearing an over sized fisherman’s foul weather hat with rubber boots, one of which had been punctured and filled with tomato juice, he entered the store screaming as if in pain and dragged his leaking boot leg, he hobbled into the men’s room leaving a nasty trail of tomato juice; 2 elderly ladies and a pregnant woman fainted, and a young lady threw up all over the floor. Staff running to assist the lady’s on the floor slipped in the sputum reposited on the floor by the young girl and sustained minor injuries; 7 lawsuits pending.

February 10th ~ Purchased a single shot shotgun for cash, and got into an argument with clerk about whether or not he could buy a shotgun shell on a lay away plan. We’re still looking for a new clerk.

February 29th ~ Taped signs to all doors and windows that read; Closed For Leap Year Celebration Repairs. It took 5 hours to get enough staff members to return to work and open; auditors are still trying to ascertain the loses for the day.

March 3rd ~ Was caught giving children rides up and down the isles in a canoe lashed to two very large skateboards with jump ropes, a young plus sized girl wearing one of the stores life vests was unable to extricate herself from the canoe in time to escape capture, when it capsized navigating a corner; 3 pending lawsuits.

March 19th ~ Was discovered by security in sporting goods wearing a dive mask with snorkel, swimsuit and swim fins offering to give customers free golf lessons with a hocky puck and a plastic duck while tap dancing; amused customers ran off security who threatened to quit over the incident.

April 1st ~ Placed leg raised stuffed animals throughout the furniture displays over the top of wet spots on the carpet and vinyl floors then started yelling for a haz-mat clean up; clerk on duty had to go home early after wetting herself laughing.

April 7th ~ Got into shouting match with deli clerk for not selling him one french fry at half price after 9PM; clerk left work early swearing in a foreign language. She didn’t show up again for the next three days.

April 21st ~ Started a pillow fight in the bedding section that covered the display area with a generous down feather coating; 2 kids using the bed display for a trampoline during the pillow fight somehow wound up tangled in a curtain display and now the mothers have filed lawsuits, minor injuries were treated at the scene.

May 1st ~ Set up a tent in the sporting good section along with propane fire pit and was inviting kids to roast marshmallows if they brought their own stick; losses included 4 sets of BBQ forks, assorted wire hangers, a tank of propane and 15 bags of marshmallows, 10 pillows from the bedding department and emergency burn treatment for the security team that tried to quell the party, the security team is filing lawsuits.

May 10th ~ Infuriated security by using one of their cameras as a mirror while picking his nose free of fake snot gel; a security person monitoring the screen had to be taken to the hospital for xrays after he severely bruised his knuckles on something metalic.

May 15th ~ While in the Deli, he put seltzer tablets in his mouth and allowed the foam spittle to drool out of his mouth while he pretended to convulse and thrashed about on the floor, yelling for someone to get the voices in his dead to stop; EMT’s were called.

May 23rd ~ Was found in the auto parts stuffing his shorts with a section of radiator hose to do his Johnny Holmes mime; a female employee had to be restrained from throttling him and has been suspended for three days.

June 4th ~ Went into the fitting room, shut the door, waited a while and then started loosing fake farts and toilet noises, yelling at the top of his lungs, Hey! There’s no t-paper in here, while banging on the door; an elderly lady passing by fainted and hurt her head, another pending lawsuit and if we could have caught your husband, he’d be in jail.

For our sanity and his safety, please keep him penned up at home.

Sincerely, Security and Staff

all rights reserved © 2009 tlcorbin

[ Report Post ]

Tags: alaskan women, humor

When those sophisticates in California and parts back east look into the mirror to view their mental image of high chic, what is it that they are viewing besides a rail thin wraith in designer clothes, mustache, attitude and padded everything?  Many of those elitist fashionistas are highly educated, sexually frustrated, shells of womankind that seek to find a purposeful life via serial affairs, political alliances, mate choices, careers as dry as their wombs, snobbery and for what?  Money, status, the facade of power . . . what is the payoff?

Do they have  time (spare or otherwise) set aside for their families to cook for them, play scrabble, old maid, donkey kong, or to walk in the park with them?  When was the last time they wrestled playfully with their children, spouses or weren’t bound to a fixed sexual routine and schedule?  Can they still relish a lunch of hotdogs, pretzels n beer along with the company of rowdy friends who act the fool?  When did being refined mandate locking the doors to  conceal a real and hearty guffaw over an unsolicited fart?  Why is having faith in anything other than yourself or worshiping at any alter other than a mirror unacceptable? What a sad existence.

When Sarah Palin landed center stage in the political arena, these very same mavens of chic decided that a mother, wife and politician that actually like her married life and career was an oddity to be scorned and ridiculed.  Collectively, they went after her like starving puppies to a teat; they were ravenous in their appetite to savage her character, her gender and her family.  Sarah is an educated, very down to earth, approachable and  pragmatic woman that looks great in a skirt and heels or Carhart’s and boots; she hunts, fishes and shoots, looks and is very much the lady in public and is likely a tramp in bed (five kids stand as testimony to that likely fact).  In short she’s a man’s woman, who loves being a woman, mother, wife and politician.  She can shoot a moose, skin and butcher it and serve it to family, friends and the state legislature while discharging her duties as governor, wife, and mother; now that’s multitasking.

When my brothers first learned that I lived in Alaska, they mockingly queried my sanity and asked if I were dating any fur bearing Alaskan ladies.  The jerks, of course I was.  We all (Alaskans) spend the winters dating partners we hope will be able to doff their fur coats in the spring.  Men and women in Alaska enjoy a relationship that the suave chic will never allow themselves to appreciate, we actually value and need each other, and are actually made stronger by our unions.  The family unit is precious to us and not viewed as an inconvenience.  We irritate, frustrate and fuss with one another while never loosing sight of the gifts each contributes to our relationship.  We speak truthfully to one another, then get drunk and forget what was said.  In a region of the country that possesses ten percent of the nations fire arms, it really  doesn’t pay to get crazy with a spouse of either gender.  Surviving relationships is an art form for us.  And most guys realize that up here at heavens gate, even if divorced you never really lose your mate, only your place in line.

My wife is a typical Alaskan Thai woman, she fishes and hikes my butt off; crikey, she’s like a gazelle going up the face of the local mountains and I get passed up by old folks in walkers.  She’s the quinticential  business woman, she designs and assembles fashionable clothing, cooks disgustingly healthy meals and travels with me to remote villages to conduct workshops.   She laughs at my jokes, lets me rub her feet when she’s stressed and talks constantly about things that make me smile.  She sorts out the occassional tiff among our feline buddies and soothes my ruffled feathers when I am unable to cope with stress and does so with a touch.  She makes my life so much more fun and worth living than it would be without her and knows it.  She’s valued and empowered by being who she is . . . how chic is that?

[ Report Post ]

Tags: alaskan women